


Sweet Dee is a Serial Killer

by LesbeanLatte



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Gay Character, Canon Trans Character, Christmas, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Holidays, Humor, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Character, MLM WLW solidarity, Winter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-14 02:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12997488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesbeanLatte/pseuds/LesbeanLatte
Summary: Someone is killing people (and rats) in Philadelphia, and the gang is determined to find out who. Sweet Dee is acting odd, as in not constantly talking about herself. Could Santa Clause be real? And if so, is he actually evil? Charlie Kelly wants to know. Everyone else just wants to catch a serial killer. Post season 12





	1. Sweet Dee might be a serial killer

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for canon-typical ignorant and sometimes bigotted attitudes and the use of the T-slur

"I have a thing." 

"What thing could you possibly have, Dee, that's more important than helping us solve Philly's murder problem?" 

Dee glared at Mac with eyes that looked ready to bulge out of her eyes. "Anything," she said. "Literally anything is more important than that." 

"Deandra, innocent people are dying," Frank said in an earnest voice. 

"Yeah, and innocent rats," Charlie said. "Someone is killing them before I can. And like, brutally too. Cutting out their hearts." 

"No!" Mac yelled, getting in Charlie's face. "This has nothing to do with rats, Charlie! This is about a serial killer roaming the streets of Philly, and me taking him out with my awesome moves," he began showing his awesome fight moves to Charlie because it seemed kind of like Charlie had forgotten how awesome and badass they were. 

Dee yelled, clasping her hands in front of her face around empty air, like talons -like bird's feet. "Goddamnit Frank, you've never cared about innocent lives once! You cooked Vietnamese children in soup! Goddamnit, you stupid idiots! Charlie, you kill rats every goddamn day why do you care if they're dying? Mac, you cannot take out a serial killer, he will eat you alive. I'm out, I've got a thing, and it's way better than this stupid thing. You, stupid cocksuckers, are all just jealous that I have a thing and you don't because your thing is stupid and it will never work!" she threw up her arms and marched for the door. “Get out of here, no one wants to see you!” she yelled at someone outside as she stormed out, slamming the door behind her. 

There was a moment of quiet. "Whoa," Charlie said. 

"Eh," Frank grunted. "We don't need her anyway. She'll just get us all clogged up like usual." 

"Yeah..." Mac said. But in his head, he was thinking that Dee had been acting kind of weird. 

It wasn't like Sweet Dee to get all worked up and not even tell them what her thing was. She was always yelling at them about her new boyfriend, her new car because she had destroyed her last one because she was an idiot who was always destroying cars, her stupid cats getting stuck in the wall - it was always something. 

"Hey, uh, I have to go too," he said. 

"What?" Charlie asked. 

Mac hurried out of Paddy's and as he left he thought he heard Charlie and Frank saying something about "he's never as into schemes now that Dennis is out" but he brushed it off. He was going to catch Philadelphia's serial killer because he knew exactly who it was. 

Sweet was a goddamn serial killer, and Mac was going to catch her in the act. 

Dee wasn't hard to miss, and her attempts at being sneaky only made it easier as she did something between a jog and a fake casual walk on her way onto the city bus. She towered over almost everyone on the bus, and her blonde hair stood out inside the dirty window. Mac hurried onto the bus after her, happy to get out of the cold, wiping snowflakes off his shoulder. 

When Dee got off at her stop and Mac snuck off the back at the same stop, in an alley before she could spot him like a ninja or a spy, he was surprised to realize he recognized the area. 

"No way," he breathed out loud, watching as Dee headed for a familiar apartment building. 

His moment of realization was interrupted by a text. He glanced down to see that it was Charlie, some bullshit about calling Artemis because she was a psychic now and could help them catch the serial killer. Mac ignored the text for now. Psychics were the devil’s work and he was not interested in bringing one into Paddy’s, a Catholic bar, but he had more immediate worries. 

He watched from the alley as Dee typed in a combination that she seemed familiar with, and slipped inside, glancing behind her, but apparently not spotting Mac thanks to his super badass stealthiness. 

He snuck in after her, grabbing the door before it could close. He followed Dee upstairs, staying far enough behind that she never spotted him. He thought to himself that he was like a cat, stalking a bird. 

When she knocked on the door to the same apartment Mac had knocked at years ago, and when it opened, she hurried inside, slamming it behind her. 

"I knew it," Mac said aloud to himself. He hurried over to the door and backed up, getting ready to kick the door open. 

As he hurled himself forward, he felt a sinking sensation in his stomach as he fell flat on his back in the middle of the apartment living room with two blonde women looking down at him. Dee was holding the door handle, clearly having opened it before Mac could kick it in, and she hurried to close it behind him. 

"I knew it!" Mac said, scrambling to his feet. "Well, maybe not this, exactly, but I knew you were acting weird. You've been banging the tranny!" 

"Hi Mac," Carmen said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Long time no see."


	2. Sweet Dee is a Home wrecker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Dee may not be a serial killer, but she's hiding something.

"Hi..." he said. "So...How's everything going?” 

Soft Christmas music was playing in the background, and Carmen’s apartment was decorated with twinkly lights and even a manger scene. A Christian household, okay Mac could appreciate that. He thought it was about time they got a manger scene for the bar, but he’d bring that up later. 

“How's Nick and the baby-" he stopped. "Wait a minute. What about Nick and the baby? Oh my god Dee, I can't believe you're banging a married woman!" He pointed at her, taking a step back and glaring. "Homewrecker! You're a goddamn homewrecker you stupid bird!" 

"I am not banging a married woman," Dee snapped. "Why did you follow me here?" 

"I thought you were the serial killer!" 

"What?" Dee yelled, throwing her hands up. "Are you kidding me? Are you goddamn kidding me right now? I am not the serial killer. Why would you possibly think that?" 

"I don't know, you were acting all weird and secretive, not yelling at us about your problems or doing any stupid characters, and not trying to worm your way into this serial killer catching scheme. You were all over it last time." 

"Yeah," Dee yelled. "And how did that end up, huh, Mac?" 

"I don't remember actually," Mac said. "How did that end up? I know you guys thought I was a serial killer, but it turned out I was actually just banging the tranny and-" 

"How?" Dee yelled, interrupting him."How do you possibly not remember ending up in my neighbor's house with a fridgeful of severed heads? How is that something that is forgettable to you?" 

"I don't know, a lot's happened since then!" Mac said. "That still doesn't explain what you're doing here. And why are you back in your old apartment?" he asked, turning to Carmen. "Didn't you and Nick and the baby move to a house or something?" 

"Nick and I got divorced," Carmen said, moving to sit on the sofa. Dee sat down beside her, and Mac noticed they were sitting pretty close together and Dee's hand was resting over Carmen's. 

Mac stayed standing. That couch had a lot of weird and confusing memories. He pushed that thought away. 

"We have joint custody of our baby. He's still a really great dad, but things just weren't working out between us." 

"Wow," Mac said, feeling kind of bad now about how he had come in all accusatory and angry. "I'm really sorry Carmen. That sucks." 

"It's fine, it was about a year ago," Carmen said. "We're amicable." 

There was an awkward pause. 

"Well listen," Mac said, and sitting down on the sofa next to Carmen. "I really am sorry to hear about your divorce, but I'm glad you're still doing good. I'm actually glad I got this chance to see you I wanted to say-" 

Dee coughed loudly, totally interrupting him. 

"Wow, Dee you rude bitch-" Mac started. 

Dee interrupted yet again. "Mac, Carmen and I were kind of in the middle of a conversation." 

"Right," Mac said. "Continue." 

He waited patiently but both women just glared at him. 

"I said to continue," he said, gesturing at them to keep talking. 

Dee was getting those crazy eyes she sometimes got and breathing heavily. 

"Get out!" Dee yelled, standing up and rushing at Mac. He dodged away from her and headed for the door. 

"Fine, god, I'm out!" he said. "I can take a hint, Dee!" 

She slammed the door in his face once he was in the hall, but he just stood there, still wondering. Something was up, and he was going to figure out what. 

Maybe Sweet Dee was a serial killer, maybe she wasn’t but that bitch was definitely hiding something.


	3. Gay (not rich) Sweet Dee rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac discovers a secret

"God he is so annoying," Dee said, slamming the door behind Mac.

Carmen waited patiently for Dee to make her way back to the couch and sit down.

"So the gang doesn't know about us?" Carmen asked. She asked in her usual cheerful, easygoing way, trying not to show how much it bugged her. This was like sleeping with Mac all over again. 

No. Carmen kicked herself internally for thinking that. It was nothing like sleeping with Mac. Dee's hands around her waist, and running through her hair, Dee's lips pressed against hers, the warm familiar scent of Dee all over her - that was all very different than anything Carmen had ever felt. 

"Look," Dee said, going all gentle in a way that melted Carmen every time and placing her hands on Carmen's lap. "It's not because of you. I promise. It's me, I'm just...I don't know if I'm ready to tell the guys I'm a lesbian, you know?" 

Carmen felt a wave of relief. She remembered Mac's words, which had stung more than she had admitted at the time: "I'm not ashamed of you, I'm ashamed of myself." She understood where he was coming from, but still, he could be a real jerk sometimes. At least Dee was just nervous about disclosing her own sexuality, not ashamed of sleeping with a trans person. 

Carmen was secure enough to know Mac had a lot of issues going on, and it really wasn't her problem so she didn't let it get to her. Still, she had moved on to Nick for many reasons but admittedly partially because he accepted her for who she was without any of the fanfare most guys wanted to have about it. He had been right for her at the time. 

Now, something else was right for her. 

She wrapped an arm around Dee, pulling her close so that Dee's head was resting on her shoulder. 

"I know sweetie," she said. 

"It's just they're always riding me," Dee said. "And they never really care about anything that's important to me, and usually that's fine, you know? But I don't want them to mock me about this. I don't think I can handle that right now." 

"I understand," Carmen said.

Dee turned to face Carmen, and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, leaning in for a kiss. 

Dee's lips tasted like - well honestly like liquor and cigarettes - but it was a taste Carmen had grown oddly fond of. Dee bit down on Carmen's lower lip softly and slid her tongue into Carmen's mouth, and Carmen slid a leg across Dee's lap, straddling her. She moved her hands down Dee's body, appreciating her slender form, and kissing her hard. 

The door flew open. 

Dee and Carmen turned around to see Mac standing there triumphantly. 

"I knew it! I fucking knew! I knew you two were banging!" 

"Congratulations dick," Dee said as Carmen untangled their legs, knowing any minute Dee was about to lung at Mac. 

As soon as Carmen and Dee were separated and Carmen was safely on the sofa, Dee was in motion. 

Carmen did not envy Mac as Dee wrapped her hands around his throat, shoving him up against the wall. Well, on second thought, maybe she did. Huh.


	4. The gang becomes serial killers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank thinks becoming a serial killer is a great scheme but Dee seems against it. Charlie is more focused on the people and rats that are dying

"So let's look at the victims of the killer so far," Charlie said. 

He was standing in front of a bulletin board he and Frank had set up in the bar. They had pinned pictures of all of the murderer's victims so far. 

They were calling it a Teraccota Board because it looked kind of like it was made out of that stuff plant pots were sometimes made out of. Frank had written the label and put it on there. 

They really needed the gang for this. Actually, Charlie thought they really needed Dennis for this. Dennis always knew what to do. Charlie was a good detective and all, and Frank was okay, but still, he thought this might go better with help. It would be nice if Mac and Dee could come back and help. 

Where had those two gone anyway? They were both acting pretty suspicious like they had something to hide. 

"Right," Frank said. He was sitting on a bar stool listening to Charlie while eating ham out of a sack. "Now I notice a lot of those victims are rats." He glared at Charlie. "Charlie, I thought we agreed to leave the rat stuff out of this." 

"Someone is ripping their hearts out Frank! Only a complete psychopath would do something like that, I'm telling you it's the same guy killing rats and humans." He paused. "Now, give me some of that ham." 

Frank tossed Charlie a piece, and Charlie caught it in his mouth. 

He spat the ham back out, surprised by the strong taste. 

"Ugh!" he yelled. "Frank is this rum ham? Are you eating rum ham right now? Are you kidding me right now? We cannot be getting hammered in the middle of a murder investigation, this is very serious stuff." 

Frank was laughing and Charlie was getting annoyed. "This is not funny, Frank, come on man this is not a joke, people are dying, rats are dying!" 

Just then, Mac and Dee came into the bar. 

"Hey-o!" Mac said. 

"What's up boners?" Dee asked. 

"Oh thank god you guys are here," Charlie said. "Frank is over here getting hammered on rum ham-" he stopped himself. "OH my god. I get why you were laughing now, Frank. Hammered. On rum ham. It's funny." He took a second to chuckle at that before moving on. "Anyway, we need your help." 

"Well, Charlie," Dee said, walking over to the Terracotta Board, "I notice a lot of these victims have something in common." 

"Yeah I know, a lot of them are rats," Charlie said. "Frank and I already went over this-" 

"Not that!" Dee yelled, cutting him off. "Look at the labels under the pictures that list their names and occupations. Oh wait, that's right, you can't read. Maybe if you could you would see that all of these women are waitresses, none of them are married, none of them have kids, they're all nobody waitresses. I think somebody is trying to murder The Waitress." 

"Oh my god!" Charlie yelled. 

"Hey, um, I have a question real quick," Mac said. "Why does your murder board say Target Board at the top?" 

"Because those are all the targets," Frank said. 

"Yeah but it looks like you're making a list of targets, like the serial killer would," Mac said. "Why not just write Murder Board?" 

"Oh that's a good scheme," Frank answered. "Like you're saying we could be the serial killers, and make a list of all our targets." 

"No!" Mac said. "That is not what I'm saying, Frank!" 

"It could be a good scheme," Frank said."That's all I'm saying." 

"That is insane!" Dee shrieked. "We are not becoming serial killers, do you hear yourself? Absolutely not!" 

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Charlie yelled. They were all quiet, for once as they turned to him. "Someone is after the waitress. I don't care about any of this you guys. The love of my life is in danger, and I'm going to save her." 

With that, Charlie left the bar and started walking in the direction of the waitress' apartment.


	5. Mac saves Charlie's life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie hurries to save the love of his life from a serial killer and the gang hurries to save Charlie

"Why would somebody be targetting the waitress?" Frank asked. "Who gives a shit about her?" 

Mac had to admit, he had a point. Who would want to kill the waitress? And why kill a bunch of people who fit her same profile but who were not actually her, first? Something wasn't adding up. 

"Unless..." Dee said. She looked like she was onto something. "Unless someone isn't targetting the waitress at all. Oh my god, you guys, what if someone is targetting Charlie?" 

"Who would want to kill Charlie?" Mac asked. 

There was a pause. 

"We have all kind of, you know, made a lot of enemies over the years..." Dee said. 

Okay, that was true. Point bird, Mac thought, even if he hated to give her the satisfaction of agreeing with her when her claw marks were still stinging on his neck where she had scratched him while trying to strangle him. Of course, he could have easily fought her off if he wanted to, but he had decided to let her have that one seeing as he had discovered her embarrassing secret. He had gone easy on her. That's totally what happened. 

"That's true," he said out loud. "So let's think. Who would know about Charlie's obsession with the waitress, and that we would make the connection between the victims and the waitress, leading Charlie to go out and try to protect the waitress?" 

"I don't know," said Frank, standing up. "But that means Charlie could be walking right into the killer's trap. We gotta go," with that, he hurried outside. 

Mac and Dee followed and got into his car. 

It was starting to get dark, and snowing pretty heavily now. They skidded around the corner of the street where the waitress lived and came to a stop outside her apartment. 

They all got out of the car and rushed to the apartment. Dee knew the code from following the waitress around with Charlie before, and they all raced inside and up the stairs. 

They all jumped as a woman screamed, and hurried towards the sound. 

When Mac, Dee, and Frank got to the waitress' apartment they found the door already open and Charlie standing in the living room in front of the waitress who was looking furious and holding up a baseball bat. 

"Damn it, Charlie," she said. "What the hell are you doing here?" She noticed Mac, Dee, and Frank in the hall. "Oh god, not you guys too. You know what? I don't even want to know what this is about, so please, just leave. Just leave me the hell alone." 

"You're being targetted by a serial killer," Dee said. 

"See, that's what I was trying to say if you would've just stopped screaming and telling me to leave and let me actually say it," Charlie said. 

"Not her," Dee said. "You, Charlie." 

"Yeah Charlie," Mac added helpfully. "I figured it out. We think the serial killer is actually after you, and they were trying to make us think they were after the waitress to lead you into some kind of trap." 

"Oh my god," Charlie said, looking around, scared now. 

"What?" Dee asked, furious. "I figured it out." 

"No," Mac said. "I'm pretty sure I did, and then you both agreed with me. Right, Frank?" 

"Yeah," Frank said. 

"What?" Dee said. "That is not at all what happened." 

"Dee," Mac said. "I know you're a woman and your feeble mind is having trouble processing what happened, but you need to accept that I am the one who figured out the serial killer's plan. It's not your fault that my badass detective skills are way better than yours." 

"Your detective skills are shit!" Dee yelled, lunging for him again. He dodged out of the way, knocking over a lamp, but it didn't really matter because it was the waitress' lamp. 

Dee screamed as she stepped on a piece of the broken glass. 

"Alright," the waitress said. "Seriously, you assholes need to get the hell out of my apartment." 

"Yeah?" Mac asked Dee, ignoring the waitress. "Then how come I was able to figure out that you were banging Carmen?" 

"Oh, you asshole!" Dee yelled. 

"You're banging the tranny Deandra?" Frank asked. 

"Don't call her that! That is disrespectful to members of the LGBT community, right Dee?" Mac said. 

"Members of the LGBT community who actually care about respecting other members the community wouldn't out each other you goddamn asshole," Dee snapped. 

"Listen, Dee, you need to be brave, and not sneak around lying to yourself and everyone about your sexuality, because that is cowardly." 

"Are you kidding me?" Dee asked. "Are you goddamn kidding me? Did you really just say that to me? You, of all people? Do you hear yourself at all, ever? Oh, you asshole!" 

She was about to hit him, but she was interrupted by a loud boom and they all threw themselves to the ground as a bullet flew through the apartment window, shattering the glass. 

"Okay," Charlie said. "Well, a serial killer is after me, so I really don't care about any of this. I'm going back to the bar and getting shitfaced because you know, this could be my last night on earth."


	6. Sweet Dee is Out of the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Dee is Out of the Closet

"Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee."

"Oh my god WHAT?" Dee opened her apartment door to find Mac standing outside. 

She glared at him. 

They had all gone back to the bar and watched Charlie take way too many shots and huff too much glue while having a few beers themselves, but Mac and Dee hadn’t said a word to each other. When Charlie finally passed out Frank took him home and Mac and Dee went their separate ways. 

"I came to, well, actually I came to apologize," Mac said. 

Dee was taken aback. Okay, this was new and unlike Mac. Unlike any of them actually. Apologize? She was immediately suspicious. 

"Okay," she said. "Apologize for what?" 

"Can I please come in?" he asked. 

She sighed, opening the door and letting him in. She sat back down on the sofa where a glass of wine and the TV remote were sitting. She hit mute on the Sex and the City episode she was re-watching, and Mac sat on the sofa beside her. 

"Look, Dee," he said. "I guess I wanted to seem like I knew what I was doing with this whole out-of-the-closet thing, and like I could just drag you out with me and it would be fun" 

Dee paused and sighed. "I know," she admitted. "I just...really wanted to come out on my own terms." 

"I know, I'm sorry. I don't know how to make it up to you." 

"I think I have an idea," Dee said, a grin spreading across her face. She reveled in the horror of Mac's expression. "Get down on your knees, bitch."


	7. Charlie and Frank Almost Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Frank Almost Die

Carmen carefully pushed the door to Dee's apartment open. She wanted to make sure everything was okay between them after the awkward interruption earlier. 

"Dee?" she called. She froze when she saw a very strange scene in the living room. "What the hell is going on?" 

Mac was on his knees in front of Dee and she was standing over him, grinning. 

"Oh, I'm begging her forgiveness," Mac said, standing up. 

"Hey I didn't say you could stand, bitch," Dee said. 

"Come on Dee, it's been like twenty minutes," Mac complained. 

"You made him beg your forgiveness for twenty minutes?" Carmen asked. 

She liked Dee a lot and she liked the crazy things Dee said that most people would never dream of saying, she liked the way Dee held her close and when Dee whispered compliments in her ear, she could feel deep inside how much Dee meant it because Dee Reynolds always said what she meant. But still, this seemed a little excessive. A person had to have done something pretty shitty to justify making them grovel for twenty minutes. 

"What could he have possibly done?" she asked. 

"He outed me," Dee said. "He told Frank and Charlie about me being gay." 

"Oh." So that's what. Yeah, that was pretty shitty. "I'm sorry that happened babe." 

She walked over and hugged Dee tight. Dee squeezed back and inhaled deeply. Carmen rubbed her back. 

"It's okay," Dee said, pulling away and sitting on the sofa where Carmen and Mac both joined her. "Now I'm out to everyone, it actually feels kinda good." 

"Wait a minute. What about Dennis? Did you guys talk?" Mac asked. 

"Oh," Dee said. "Dennis has known forever. We know everything about each other." 

"Really?" Mac asked.

"Oh yeah," Dee said. "Big time." 

"Everything?" Mac asked. 

"Everything," Dee emphasized the word like she was trying to imply something. Carmen watched their expressions and she had a feeling there was some information passing between them that she didn't know about. 

"Well anyway," Mac said, "I told you it would feel good and that I did you a favor." 

"Don't push your luck," Dee said to him, but Carmen saw the little smile that meant Dee was going to let Mac off the hook now. 

"Wait," Carmen asked."What do you know about it, Mac?" 

"Oh I'm uh, I'm recently out myself," Mac said. 

"Really?" Carmen asked. "Congratulations. I kind of knew, even back when we were together that you were still figuring some things out, but I wasn't sure if you would ever come out of the closet. Good for you!" The two shared a smile. 

"Hey, I was trying to say something earlier to you Carmen, when Dee rudely interrupted. I just wanted to say that I was sorry about how things ended with us, and I hope we can still be friends, now that you're back in our lives." 

"Of course we can," Carmen said. 

She had understood that he was going through some stuff before, so she was never really mad but the apology was nice all the same and she did like hanging out with Mac so she was happy they were going to try being friends. They liked a lot of the same movies, and it was fun to talk to someone who knew sports as well as she did. 

"Ugh," Dee said. "Please stop reminding me that you two were ever together." 

The phone rang, interrupting them and Dee went to pick it up. 

"Hello, you've reached-" Dee began speaking in a British accent when she picked up the receiver. 

Carmen grinned at her girlfriend. Dee's accents were one of the many quirks that Carmen found oddly endearing. Her grin faded though when Dee stopped speaking and her expression became worried. 

When Dee hung up, she turned to Mac and Carmen looking pale. 

"Someone broke into Frank and Charlie's place," she said. "They're okay, but shaken up."


End file.
